Don't Read This

I just need somewhere to write whats going on in my head, and I am just not a fan of journaling anymore. So here I am, posting my most intimate thoughts on the world wide web...I suppose I could just type it up as a Word doc, but that seems silly.
Today I find myself really struggling with what to do about Bill and Adam. I saw this coming, yet continued to convince myself that it wouldn't come to this. I feel like an idiot and a moron for getting myself in this spot. I was really beginning to think that with the sexual stuff fading, I could really develop a true friendship with Bill and Adam. Bill and I have a great connection and I felt like we could develop a solid and true friendship. But last night I think I finally saw things for what they are. Bill has this ability to make the people around him feel special and important. He makes you feel like he really cares about you. But in fact, he is just using people to feel better about himself. He uses his flirting and his charm to get attention from boys. I mean you can't blame him, who doens't enjoy attention? But I see now that my friendship with him is based on the attention I give him. He feels better about himself when he knows that I have feelings toward him and want to flirt with him. And thats why he keeps as a friend. There is nothing special about me in his eyes...I am just another boy he can flirt with. I pray to god that I have enough pride to not allow myself to be just another boy on a list. I won't let him use me that way. I am just a fucking idiot for letting my feelings get involved. The other night he told me that if he didn't have a bf he'd totally date me, which I think was great for me to hear. I know that things with Bill and Adam are solid and I love what they have and I would never want to see that end. So just to hear Bill say that to me would've been enough...I really think I could've set aside any wild hopes and just focus on being good friends. But now I do see this "frienship" for what it really is and it breaks my heart. I am not going to let myself be used anymore. I simply need to move on. And its one of those situations where is completely easier said than done, and I hate those fucking situations. I am not sure what the next step is...I know myself and I know that I probably need to share some of my thoughts with Bill, but I don't know how to do that. God, I hope writing this out will help me not feel so shitty, but I think its only made me feel worse. Fuck this. Fuck it all.

Meet the Parents (or not)

So I spent my entire afternoon and evening yesterday meeting with the parents of my little deliquent cherubs. I am quickly discovering that I do not enjoy this process and would most likely prefer the company of their out-of-control children. Not to mentioned that I was forced to miss my must-see TV line up...god bless DVRs. Here are some highlights from the day.

• Its 4:30...and I come to my last conference before my dinner break. I am eager to get through it and find my way to Jimmy John's. Unfortunately, as soon as I mention the ISAT focus our curriculum has taken, the mother in front of me rolls her eyes and launches into a 15 minute lecture on the subject. She informed me that it is ignorant to "teach to the test" and that good teachers woudln't have to do that. Now, she is not without a valid point, but I, being a subtitute, dont' really have the power in this situation. She later went on to refer to her son as a "little shit" and that he "pisses her off". Lovely.
• I had the pleasure of meeting Ms. Scratch the Shit Out of My Son's Neck. She let me know that he does get his temper from her. I would've never guessed that she had a temper! She also told me that I needed to call her anytime her little guy acted up so she could "handle it". Hmm I think I'll handle things myself.
• I had a reading teacher breeze in and inform the parents of a little guy how low he is in the most tactless way. I literally watched the parents' faces turn from smiles to frowns as she went on and on. When she was done speaking, she breezed off and left me to pick up the pieces. Thanks!

Top 10 Flicks

Unfortunately, 2004 was not a year for stellar movies in my not-so-humble opinion. Last year, every movie in my top 10 was a truly great movie. The top 5 included Finding Nemo, In American and House of Sand and Fog. These were amazing movies that stayed with me months after I viewed them. At the end of 2004 I find myself with several very strong movies, but many more good-but-definitely-not-fantastic movies.

1. Million Dollar Baby- This is a character driven drama at its best.
2. Closer- Another movie that hinges on real, fully-developed characters.
3. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind- Fascinating to watch.
4. The Incrediables- A completely fun and creative ride.
5. Garden State- Like Eternal, it has a fantastic script.
6. Hotel Rwanda- Disturbing and heroic.
7. Troy- Despite the critics, this is actually a good movie!
8. Finding Neverland- Full of laughs and tears.
9. Bad Education- The plot is a maze...a fun one to navigate.
10. Saved!- Good, but not top 10 material...i just had a spot to fill here!

THE Oscar Nominations

I hope everyone was glued to their televisions this morning watching Adrian Brody share this year's list of Oscar hopefuls. On the whole there were very few suprises. The Aviator did very well as expected. I really do admire and appreciate this movie, but it didn't touch me personally like some of the others. This year I am all about Million Dollar Baby!! Here are my thoughts on the major categories:

• Best Picture- I have not seen Ray or Sideways so my commentary is limited. I do feel disappointed that Hotel Rwanda did not find its way into this category, because I realy feel it belongs and is a great Oscar type movie. And I did love Closer, but I realize its not typical Academy material. I was slightly surpised to see Finding Neverland here, althought Kate Winslet and that cute little boy were both snubbed. The Aviator and Million Dollar Baby are the clear front runners.
• Best Actor- Did anyone notice how similar this list is to Nate's choices. And if I had seen Ray, I am sure they'd be the same five names! Damn I am good! According to anybody in the industry, Jamie Foxx has a lock on this award. Though, could his double nomination hurt his chances??? I doubt it.
• Best Actress- This is my favorite list of the bunch, simply because the Oscar voters took some risks here with unknown names. Who has ever heard of Catalina Sandrino Moreno of Maria Full of Grace or Imelda Staunton of Vera Drake??? I have seen Maria Full of Grace and am glad this girl is on this exclusive list. I am definitely pulling for Hilary Swank, though I adore Kate Winslet. Give that girl an Oscar finally!!
• Best Supporting Actor- Alan Alda??? What in the world??? Did the Oscar votes love The Aviator that much?? He gives a good performance, but there are other names that belong here. I am hoping that the Academy will make up for the Closer snub by awarding Clive Owen.
• Best Supporting Actress- In my opinion, Closer should take both supporting categories as it did at the Globes. Who doesn't love Natalie Portman as a stripper?? However, Cate Blanchett(The Aviator) and Sophie Okokendo (Hotel Rwanda) are both phenomenal as well. A very strong list this year. I just pray Virginia Madsen from Sidways doesn't steal the statue.

Nate's Oscar Nominations

On Tuesday, Janauary 25th at 7:30 AM, The Academy of Motiona Picture Arts and Sciences will be announcing this year's Oscar nominations (E! is the best place to watch all this go down!!!). Before the stuffy Hollywood types reveal their lists, I would like to share my own list of the best movies and performances of 2004. Now mind you, I have yet to see some of the major contenders (AKA that crappy wine movie and Ray). So here they are, in alpha oder:

Best Picture

• Closer
• Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
• Hotel Rwanda
• Million Dollar Baby
• The Incredibles

Best Actor

• Jim Carey- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
• Don Cheadle- Hotel Rwanda
• Johnny Depp- Finding Neverland
• Leonardo DiCaprio- The Aviator
• Clint Eastwood- Million Dollar Baby

Best Actress

• Catalina Sandrino Moreno- Maria Full of Grace
• Natalie Portman- Garden State
• Julia Roberts- Closer
• Hilary Swank- Million Dollar Baby
• Kate Winslet- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Best Supporting Actor

• Jamie Foxx- Collateral
• Morgan Freeman- Million Dollar Baby
• Freddie Highmore- Finding Neverland
• Clive Owen- Closer

Best Supporting Actress

• Cate Blanchett- The Aviator
• Cloris Leachman- Spanglish
• Sophi Okonedo- Hotel Rwanda
• Natalie Portman- Closer
• Kate Winslett- Finding Neverland

A long absence

So I am realizing that its been over a month now since my last blog post!! What was I thinking? How could I dissapoint millions and millions of fans? Looking back at the past thirty days...a hell of a lot has gone on. I concluded my student teaching, earned my masters degree and teaching certificate, attempted (and failed) to prep for my third grade position starting January 3rd, celebrated the holidays with family (yuck) and friends (yippee!) and saw oodles and oodles of movies. Why doesn't anyone say "oodles" any more? Its a great word! I have to say that this has been the busiest Christmahanakwanzaakah Break I've ever had. I haven't been home for more than three hours at time in forever. I suppose its good; I got see lots of you lovely folks (aka my adoring fans)!!

KY what??

So its lunch time at school today, and a friendly middle aged TA comes up to me the following question: "Nathan, are you very experienced with things?" Of course I immediately assume her use of "experienced" is sexual, and I quickly discover my assumption is actually correct!! She goes on to explain that the reason she asks is because she needs advice on how to handle the discovery of KY jelly in her 13 year old son's sock drawer. Now, I could be wrong, but perhaps this is not an appropriate topic of conversation during the ten short minutes Mr. Lyon has to scarf down his lunch. And even if it was, isn't there a better way to approach the subject rather than inquiring about my sexual experiences??? Oh well...I later retold the story to Sharon and we both got a good laugh out of it.
On a completely seperate note, tonight I FINALLY received my gap credit card in the mail. I am realizing that having this card in my possession is VERY dangerous. It is taking all my will power to keep my ass firmly planted in this chair, rather than drive out to the nearest Gap store. Oh to be queer!