Don't Read This

I just need somewhere to write whats going on in my head, and I am just not a fan of journaling anymore. So here I am, posting my most intimate thoughts on the world wide web...I suppose I could just type it up as a Word doc, but that seems silly.
Today I find myself really struggling with what to do about Bill and Adam. I saw this coming, yet continued to convince myself that it wouldn't come to this. I feel like an idiot and a moron for getting myself in this spot. I was really beginning to think that with the sexual stuff fading, I could really develop a true friendship with Bill and Adam. Bill and I have a great connection and I felt like we could develop a solid and true friendship. But last night I think I finally saw things for what they are. Bill has this ability to make the people around him feel special and important. He makes you feel like he really cares about you. But in fact, he is just using people to feel better about himself. He uses his flirting and his charm to get attention from boys. I mean you can't blame him, who doens't enjoy attention? But I see now that my friendship with him is based on the attention I give him. He feels better about himself when he knows that I have feelings toward him and want to flirt with him. And thats why he keeps as a friend. There is nothing special about me in his eyes...I am just another boy he can flirt with. I pray to god that I have enough pride to not allow myself to be just another boy on a list. I won't let him use me that way. I am just a fucking idiot for letting my feelings get involved. The other night he told me that if he didn't have a bf he'd totally date me, which I think was great for me to hear. I know that things with Bill and Adam are solid and I love what they have and I would never want to see that end. So just to hear Bill say that to me would've been enough...I really think I could've set aside any wild hopes and just focus on being good friends. But now I do see this "frienship" for what it really is and it breaks my heart. I am not going to let myself be used anymore. I simply need to move on. And its one of those situations where is completely easier said than done, and I hate those fucking situations. I am not sure what the next step is...I know myself and I know that I probably need to share some of my thoughts with Bill, but I don't know how to do that. God, I hope writing this out will help me not feel so shitty, but I think its only made me feel worse. Fuck this. Fuck it all.